When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
