Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Randomize
