i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
