Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I lost the right to judge tonight
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
