I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Randomize
