my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
