thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
