I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
