how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
