I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
