Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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