the new term for farting is butt boxing.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
accomplished twins. life is a go
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
