Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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