two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
