dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
