Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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