I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
