Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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