then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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