somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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