I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
