Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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