four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
i think i just naturally attract stoners
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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