I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
