Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
