Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
