currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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