I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
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Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
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Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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