I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
