Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
