wrigley field is MILF paradise
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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