i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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