You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
