I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Randomize
