so I'm never txting u again after today...
y?
cuz i don't wanna see it on blogspot :)
ha...too late
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
