hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
