On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I have aggressive nipples.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
