I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
