i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
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