Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
