You just made me feel so damn special
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
No subtext here. People are naked.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Randomize
