i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
