There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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