i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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