I can't watch pbs sober anymore
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Randomize
