i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
