I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Randomize
