You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
