did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
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