Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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