I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
