apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
