Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
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