That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
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