You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
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