I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
