Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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