im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
